AOHell for Link
by AOLHaters
Summary: If you've been knocked off AOL too many times and you're tired of it... here's Link's solution to the chaos.
1. Introduction

Introduction to AOHell for Link

AOL is supposedly the most sought after internet access that many people have bought the service. Though, little do people know, AOL has been having problems that have caused those users to be knocked off while doing internet 'surfing.' Either looking at fun websites such as this one, Fanfiction.net, or paying bills which is extremely important. This has inspired us to write this fic that has both action, adventure and suspense and will show you how Hyrule recieves AOHell, the most annoying and costly internet service around. 

Even while writing this fic, we writers have been knocked off the internet several times. We believe that this story has been long overdue and AOL should receive the criticism that it deserves. If you have the same beliefs, please stick with us through thick and thin (and through AOL knock offs if you know what we mean) as we tell you the tale of how Link destroys the service and, as you might say, gets the girl. 

Have fun even though AOL may torment you!


	2. The Dealiest Internet Link Ever

CHAPTER 1- The Dealiest Internet Link Ever!

"In a world where the line between good and evil is constantly fading….. where the difference between a zero and a hero is one final test……. and where internet constantly becomes increasingly worse……. There exists one beacon of hope……. One light shining in the darkness… NEW, AOL 8.0.. buy yours today!!!"  
  
This ad caught everyone by surprise. It seemed at the time to the gang at Hyrule like a new and exciting service. Zelda turned to everyone and was just  
absolutely amazed. "Wow….. either these guys are not telling us everything, or this is the best thing to happen to us in years. How can we lose with this new offer?"  
  
Link was naturally skeptical. "I don't know guys, thissounds to me like a load of bull. They cant be as goodas they say."  
  
"Sure they can. They've gotta be GENIOUSES!!!!!," shouted Talon.  
  
"Im not sold either," said Darunia, "maybe we should use the lens of truth on this ad."  
  
Everybody looked at Darunia as though he were a mental case. They turned back to the TV screen, trying to catch the rest of the ad.  
  
"I've used AOL for YEARS," said one, "it has never let me down!!!" With the blonde hair and fake smile, most of the gang was still a little bit unsure about what to do. They all looked at the TV for some kind of clue as to what a good idea would be on getting it or not. For a minute, a deep voice came out of nowhere, and scared Zelda out of her wits. "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH," she  
screamed.  
  
"SHUT UP!!!!!!!!," everyone else yelled.  
  
"I don't know guys, it still sounds like this thing is really not on the up and up," said Link to the rest of the gang, "what do you guys think?"  
  
No answer.  
  
"Guys?"  
  
Still no answer.  
  
"GUYS!?!?"  
  
Still no answer.  
  
"WELL!?!?!? WHAT DO YOU THINK!?!?!?!?"  
  
Link became irritated with them. He drew his sword out of anger, and turned himself around. He saw something he NEVER expected to see. His jaw dropped open in amazement as he saw blank stares on everyone's faces.  
  
"WHAT'S GOING ON!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?," he shouted, becoming more and more desperate to understand what was going on.  
  
Link knew what he had to do. He had to buy the service, and figure out who was behind this whole brainwashing scam.  
  
"I promise…. on the memory of the Deku Tree…. I WILL find out who did this…….. and destroy them at ANY AND ALL COSTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
Link was focused… Link was intense…. Now there was only one thing left to do:  
  
Figure out how in the world to convert rupees into  
American dollars. 

AN- So how do you like it? Don't worry if you were bored, it gets much better, especially when the true leader of AOL is revealed! Mwa ha ha ha!


	3. The Americans

CHAPTER 2- The Americans

Brainwashed, that was the only explanation. Everyone of his friends were the same way, not to mention every Hylian, Zora, Goron, and Gerudo who saw the same thing. Quickly, Link traveled to the forest to see if the Kokiri had been converted too. 

When he arrived, he sighed with relief. They were safe from the plague of the evil internet service. Thank the gods. "Saria!" he called, trying to get the attention of his Kokiri/Sage friend. 

She appeared in front of him, "We have a song you know." she said with an eyebrow raised.

Link shook his head. "No time to argue. Zelda and everyone else in Hyrule have been caught by the evil internet service from hell, and the service is none other than AOHell."

Saria gasped and took a step back, "Oh no!" she cried. "This is what I feared. I knew that if that delirious king of ours opened our trade to internet access, something like this dreadful plague would happen." She paused for a moment, then continued. "I'm afraid all we can do to help this land is to receive the curse ourselves and defeat it from the inside."

Link nodded grimly. "Yeah, I guess you're right. But the question is, how do I trade rupees in for American dollars? We can't buy the service with rupees can we?"

"No, but maybe if we ask the American Ambassador, John Travolta, we'd be able to accomplish this task." Saria pointed out.

"Good idea." Link said and he left the forest with high hopes. This John Travolta would be able to help them, he was sure of it. He called for Epona and rode to the edge of Hyrule's borders. When he looked out and away from the mountain, he saw a camp of what seemed to be the loud mouthed Americans.

He made his way down the mountain and walked confidently into the camp. Some of the soldiers stood up and he could hear them whispering among themselves. Some would say, "Isn't that Hyrule's Hero of Time?" or "What's that sniveling Hylian doing snooping around here?" Link smiled to himself, if these guys ever fought him head on, they'd see how sniveling he was. Finally he found the Ambassador's tent. Clearing his throat loudly to get someone's attention, the Ambassador himself walked out. For not ever seeing this man, he sure didn't look like much. He had a bit of a graying beard to go with his white uniform. 

"You call?" The Ambassador asked in a highly accented voice, much unlike anything Link had ever heard of before. This somehow had alerted the troops and they all turned toward the man with the beard. The Ambassador shifted his feet nervously. 

Suddenly, one of the soldiers shouted, "It's him! It's Osama Bin Laden!"

Another soldier joined him, "Let's get him boys!" All the soldiers shouted triumphantly and raced after the fleeting form of the 'Ambassador.' Link was absolutely and entirely confused. Americans were always known to be stupider than Hylians, but this was ridiculous. Chasing their own Ambassador? But wait, they said he was some Osama guy. Weird. Link shook his head to clear his thoughts.

Then, another man dressed in the same white uniform walked out from behind the tent. "Excuse that." he said in a differently accented voice. "I am the Ambassador."

Link bowed his greeting but before he could say anything, another man, again in the same uniform, ran from behind the tent. "Stop you perpetrator!" Now this guy sounded like the rest of the Americans. The man settled down into what looked like some martial art stance. "Ah, Saddam, so you show your ugly face at last!" The guy jumped high in the air and landed on the bewildered 'Ambassador' and knocked him down. "Ha ha! You stand no chance!"

The fallen man called Saddam got to his feet. "How can you be so sure?" As Link watched uncomfortably, the two men fought hand to hand, foot to foot, kicking, punching.... It was quite impressive but he was sure that if he fought them, he could win. But then again that could be his 'Never say die' attitude of his. Finally, the kung fu man had beaten the Saddam guy. "Sucker. Come on boys, take this man to jail." With that, several returning soldiers picked Saddam up and carried him off into the gloom. 

"Sorry about that. I'm the REAL Ambassador John Travolta. What can I do for you?" The kung fu man asked.

Link rolled his eyes and spoke, "I need to trade in rupees for American dollars. I'm on an important mission and I have no time for delay."

"Understood." John looked at Link for a moment. "So... how much money do you need?"

"Oh." Link said. "Um, as much money I'll need to buy the AOhe- I mean AOL internet service for a month."

"Okay," Travolta seemed to tally this up in his mind. "That'll be 1,200 rupees."  
  
"WHAT?!" Link asked incredulously. "That can't be!"

"Yup, so cash up the jewels or you don't get the service. It's two cents per rupee so that's why it's so much. You need twenty four dollars and it's sixty cents to one dollar."

"Very well." Link dug into his rupee bag and handed him almost every jewel inside. All he had left was a red one. Luckily he had brought his whole stash. Boy did Zelda owe him now.

"Yes, okay. Just a moment." John Travolta disappeared inside his tent and returned two minutes later with the cash. "Here you are. Have a nice day." With that, he went back inside the tent. 

That didn't bother Link though. He got what he came for. After setting up the service on one of the castles many computers, he got to work.


	4. Link's Discovery

Chapter 3: Link's Discovery  
  
Link began to surf the internet. He was becoming more and more desperate by the second to figure out what was going on with AOL. It looked to him like everything was the same. As he continued on through his search engine search, titled "who the hell owns this system", he turned up only one result.  
  
"I should've known," Link said, "there's really no other person it could've been."  
  
Ganondorf's picture appeared on the screen. But there was a new face to go with it.  
  
"Who is THAT?," Saria turned to Link and asked, "I've never seen that guy before."  
  
"I don't know," Link replied, "but whoever he is, he needs a clean shave and a new pair of glasses."  
  
Link continued searching to find who this mysterious face belonged to. He typed in searches such as "bald man with glasses", "funny looking old dude", and "AOHell executives". Finally, he came to a web site where it listed all AOL executives, with their pictures.  
  
"I found it," said Link.  
  
"Who is it?," Saria asked.  
  
"His name is Stan Kasten. He's a 60 year old man who apparently was last seen in a local shopping mall with his momma eating pretzels and hard candy," Link began, "his hobbies are ripping people off for money, acting  
superior to other people, and making complete havoc out of everything. He has an IQ of approximately 200-his weight (which equivalents to about –50), and it looks like he's been married only once. To his work."  
  
Everything seemed to be making sense. It was all falling into place.  
  
"That sounds like the typical AOHell executive," said Saria, "a complete low-life who is interested in nothing but screwing people over."  
  
All of a sudden, out of nowhere, came a popup ad. AOHell performed an illegal operation, and had to be shut down. Link couldn't believe it. As he desperately tried to save the connection, Saria contemplated how they were going to approach the situation.  
  
"Maybe we should just attack them head on," Saria said, "but they're probably expecting that."  
  
"WILL YOU STOP THAT AND HELP ME," Link shouted, "THE FREAKIN CONNECTION IS TIMED OUT!!!!!"  
  
"Of course, we COULD just go around the back of their headquarters….."  
  
"SARIA!!!!!!"  
  
"Then there's….."  
  
"SAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRIIIIIAAAAAAAAAA"  
  
"What Link…. OH MY GOD!!!"  
  
The whole computer had shut off. Now it had become personal.  
  
"That's it," Link said, "I've had enough of this. I'm canceling my subscription. Where's that freakin' cancel button?"  
  
They desperately tried to find out how to cancel the subscription. To their shock and horror, a message popped up which realized all their fears.  
  
"It says here you can't cancel it," said Saria.  
  
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!," Link shouted.


	5. Infiltration

"Okay Saria. We'll go in the back way." Link told his friend after he shut the computer off for what seemed to be the millionth time. AOL was about to take over Hyrule. They were working fast, almost too fast. He didn't have much time. He was sure they'd be on to him soon.  
  
"Finally, you say something I like." Saria grabbed Link's old slingshot and followed him out the door.  
  
"I think their headquarters is on Death Mountain. From there, they can easily gain access to every computer," Link said.  
  
"You're probably right. Let's take Epona," Saria suggested, and Link summoned his horse.  
  
*  
  
They finally arrived at the foot of Death Mountain, at the edge of Kakariko Village. "This is it. We do this or die." Link looked at Saria, "you ready?"  
  
She flashed the slingshot and smiled, "Always." With that, they started to climb the mountain. Instead of the usual Tektites, there were AOHell workers  
everywhere.  
  
"We have to make it to the headquarters unseen if we can. I don't want them to know we're coming," Link said quietly. Saria nodded and hit every worker in sight with Deku Seeds flung by the slingshot. One by one, the workers collapsed unconscious. "Great job, now let's go."  
  
*  
  
"So they do have a back door," Saria stated as they found the building near where the Big Goron lived at the entrance to Death Mountain Crater.  
  
"Weren't you the one who suggested it?" Link asked her.  
  
"Well I didn't actually think there was one," Saria said. Link rolled his eyes and pushed open the door. Silently, they crept inside the compound. Making their way carefully toward the center, they encountered many guards and workers. Saria took them all out with Link's old slingshot. When they entered the main office, they stopped abruptly. An evil laugh was coming from one of the dark corners.  
  
"So, we meet again, Hero of Time," Ganondorf sneered as he revealed himself at last.  
  
"We were on to you the whole time, Ganondorf," Link shot back.  
  
"As we were to you." The evil king stepped aside to reveal another dark figure.  
  
"So, trying to destroy AOL?," the dark figure said.  
  
"Who in the name of God are you?," asked Saria.  
  
"My name is Stan Kasten," the figure said, "I am the greatest man to ever live."  
  
"Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh, so YOU'RE the fat guy in the picture," said Link. Saria began to laugh uncontrollably.  
  
"SHUT UP FOOLS!!!! I am not fat. I am in shape. Round is a shape," Kasten said.  


Link turned to Saria, "I don't quite understand why Gannondorf let's this dude claim to be the greatest. Man, this is the first time he's sat there and taken things like, well, like a man."

"Uh, Link?" Saria nodded toward Gannondorf. "Is he asleep?"

Sure enough, the King of Evil was fast asleep in the corner snoring softly. "That really makes NO sense." Link marched up to him and poked him in the head. "Hey you, did you not hear what that ugly guy just said over there?"

Gannondorf jerked awake and blinked stupidly. Kasten pointed his finger, "And just for the records, I'm NOT ugly or fat! And for that you will pay! Gannondorf, take care of this idiot!"

Gannondorf smiled with pleasure after fully regaining consciousness. "With pleasure." he said with delight.

A/N- Sorry it took us forever to update but school started and we got sidetracked.


	6. Kasten's First Strike

Kasten's first strike  
  
Ganondorf, about ready to attack, told Link something startling.  
  
"You have no chance you naieve little thing. It's time for your demise."  
  
"uh..... Ganondorf..... in case you haven't noticed, you and I are almost the same height. And not that it's a big deal or anything, but you have yourself no weapons, and your magic is being used to power AOL. No WONDER it's so evil," Link retorted.  
  
"YOU LITTLE!!!!!!!" Ganondorf lunged at him with determination and fire in his eyes.  
  
Link stepped back, and then lunged forward right back at him. Link and Ganondorf were matching each other blow for blow. Then, out of nowhere, Kasten made a bold statement.  
  
"STOP!," he shouted.  
  
Instantly, both Link and Ganondorf halted.  
  
"I have a proposal for you," said Kasten.  
  
"Sorry Stan, I'm not that kind of guy," said Link.  
  
"No you IDIOT," he yelled back, "not like that."  
  
"Then what is it? This position you have me holding is very uncomfortable," said Ganondorf, "I can't hold it for much longer."  
  
"Oh, I'm sorry," Kasten said.  
  
"JUST SAY IT YOU BLITHERING MORONIC IDIOT," Ganondorf shouted.  
  
"ok Link, if Ganondorf loses, then you must agree to give up your fairy as collateral for your AOL payments. We have not received your first check yet," he began.  
  
"Fine. Sure. Whatever. Can we FIGHT now?," Link said.  
  
"No not yet. Should Ganondorf win..."  
  
"Will. You. SHUT. UP. And let me fight already?," Ganondorf squealed.  
  
"ok ok ok ok.. don't have a cow Ganondorf," Kasten said.  
  
"The way you have me frozen feels like I AM having one. Will you let me go already?" Ganondorf yelled.  
  
Throughout all this, Saria could do nothing but laugh at this. She viewed it as sad, rather then as funny. "Are you guys insane? Just fight already!!!!!!!"  
  
"She's right, let's fight," said Link.  
  
"Hey, that rhymed," said Kasten.  
  
"Oh SHUT UP, you fat pig," shouted Ganondorf, finally able to breathe again.  
  
They resumed fighting, albeit with Ganondorf slightly limping. Ganondorf and Link couldn't keep fighting for much longer. Navi began to shout "Hey!"..... "Hey!"...... "Hey!"..... "Listen!" No sooner did Navi say that, then did Saria get a hold of the little creature, and throw it up against the wall.  
  
"Shut up Navi, they're in the middle of something," Saria said.  
  
"But I have something important to say," said Navi.  
  
"SHUT UP NAVI!," she yelled.  
  
"Listen, you don't understand......" 


	7. The Surprise

The Surprise  
  
"Navi," Saria said, "if you don't shut up sometime soon, I am going to pluck your wings off and feed you to Kasten."  
  
"mmmmmmmmmm, fairy!" Kasten said.  
  
"NO!!!! ANYTHING BUT THAT!!! HE'S SO SCARY!!!" Navi shouted.  
  
"Then keep quiet," Saria shot back.  
  
"But if I don't tell you, he'll die," Navi quickly said.  
  
Saria turned around frustrated and shouted, "FINE! WHAT IS IT!?!?"  
  
"Finally," Navi said, "Ganondorf's evil power is being used to power AOL's internet connection service. If he kills Ganondorf, the spell our friends are under will not be broken."  
  
Saria looked at Navi with a horrified look on her face. She quickly became conscious of everythig around her. "Link!" she shouted, "don't hurt him! He's powering AOL!"  
  
Link looked at her as though she was crazy "I thought that was the point..."  
  
Saria, becoming visibly upset now, began begging Link to stop. "Listen here you, I'm telling you right now...... you have to stop!"  
  
Kasten began to laugh hysterically.  
  
"I think someone just shot Epona," Link said, "either that, or he had a few before he came to work this morning."  
  
"SILENCE!!! IMPUTENT FOOLS!!!" shouted Kasten, afterward reaching for his oxygen, "you will all come to know my name in time, fools."  
  
Ganondorf looked over at Kasten. "What in the WORLD did that have to do with ANYTHING, you IDIOT!? The fumes from your diapers must be getting to you."  
  
Kasten shot an evil stare at Ganondorf. "I told you NOT to tell anyone about that!"  
  
"Well, they were going to figure it out anyway," said Ganondorf, "it's hard not to when the fumes are so strong they're scaring the Kokiri children."  
  
"SHUT UP!," Kasten screamed.  
  
Link began to grow impatient. "Are we gonna fight, or make fun of Kasten's fuming diapers?," he said.  
  
"Yeah, come on!", squeaked Navi, "I wanna see a fight!"  
  
Saria quickly took Navi by the wings and chucked her into the wall again. "You really need to keep quiet, or I'll give you to Kasten and let him have his way with you."  
  
"But the fumes..." Navi began.  
  
"SHUT UP!" shouted Kasten.  
  
"Why are we standing around talking?" said Link, "I'm just going to go ahead and fight. Whenever you care to join me, Ganondorf, I'll be ready."  
  
"Let's get this over with," said Ganondorf., "I need to go back to wrecking people's minds."  
  
Kasten began to laugh hysterically again.  
  
Ganondorf shook his head. "Why do you put up with him?" whispered Link.  
  
"Because if I don't, he'll get even with me.... and the way he gets even is too horrible to describe," Ganondorf whispered back.  
  
"How so?" Link asked, still whispering.  
  
"He will let out an enormous fart," said Ganondorf, "how do you think dinosaurs became extinct? Kasten's ancient ancestor, who was ironically a rock, had only one human quality. The ability to fart. Well, the rest is history."  
  
Link curled his nose at the thought of this. "Well, regardless of that, it's time to fight..... I must put an end to this. HA!!"  
  
Link began to charge toward Ganondorf, and the battle for Hyrule resumed...  
  
A/N- sorry everyone, we haven't updated in the longest time. We haven't had any time to write. Hopefully we'll be quicker with the updates now that school is out. 


End file.
